Not with(out) my daughter!

Not with(out) my daughter!

Allah, Glorious is He, has elevated Muslim women by giving them rights that allow them to live a creative, balanced life filled with the joys of motherhood and family, an education and a career, financial independence and thriving spirituality, and an unconditional pass for the pursuit of fulfillment in this world and the next. Unfortunately, the reality of many Muslimat is that they are plagued by societal and cultural norms and expectations, and even erroneous religious interpretations, which cripple them into living mediocre, less than gratifying lives. Evolving from the times of our scholarly mother Aisha (ra) or fearless fighter Umm Amarah (ra), being a good, ideal Muslimah in our times has come to equate to knowing how to cook a delicious meal, keep our house spic-span clean, and bear innumerable children, all while memorizing the entire Qur’an and looking like a beauty queen from a Spanish soap opera when the husband comes home from work.

Call me cynical, but after reading an email entitled “Ten things to hand down to your Muslim daughter”, I am disillusioned (outraged, actually) by the limited scope of irreplaceable and enduring life skills I am supposed to equip my young daughter with to make it in this world. Let us take a closer look at some of these “wisdom” tidbits:

Favorite recipes: Those who know of my near-anaphylactic reaction to recipe talks and my motto of “trade your wooden spoons for books”™, understand why I picked this to be at the top of my list. Without reservations, I bow in respect to those sisters who are innate experts of the culinary arts, who love to spend hours amidst aromatic spices to create magical meals that feed their families and the entire community at times. However, Muslim daughters in the West, are nowadays more likely to have dreams and goals to pursue outside the home, for which they will need to compromise a long drawn 4-hour affair with kousa mashi (stuffed zucchini) or gobi machurian for a 30-minute quick meal that is still healthy and savory, that allows her to pick up the children after work, and get them to karate lessons.

Housekeeping skills: Cleanliness is, first and foremost, part of Islam and as such, taught to our “children” (not only our daughters) through upbringing and high standards of personal hygiene. Agreed that keeping “a neat and tidy home” fosters a harmonious, peaceful environment in which all Muslims (and humans) thrive. However, our legacy to our daughters can certainly consist of something more substantial than knowing how to vacuum, do dishes, and dust. It’s not rocket science after all!

Traditional skills (such as gardening, painting or knitting because they are “being lost in today’s fast-paced world”): No doubt that artistic and soulful pastimes such as knitting are being replaced by video games and Facebook. No doubt that knowing how to sew a button or plant a garden can come in handy. My objection is that these “traditional” skills are just that: “traditional”, in the gender-sense of the word. The assuming expectation that our daughters will need these skills while our sons won’t is disturbing. After all, Prophet Muhammad (saw), Allah’s beloved, knew how to (and usually did) mend his own clothes and carry out many household chores.

Personally, I believe our daughters would find greater benefit in life-long lessons that bear an understanding of the generational gap that separate us, and future struggles they might face. Knowing how to cook, clean, and sew are all-important tasks, but so are how to apply for college, use an IPhone, or drive a car. Furthermore, instilling in our daughters the concept of self-actualization, the skills of critical thinking, and the know-how of being assertive can go a long way in building their self-esteem, and making them terrific daughters, mothers, sisters and wives.

Indeed one of the best lessons we can pass down to our daughters, is the ayah where Allah makes no gender distinction, which was revealed to Prophet Muhammad (saw) when Umm Amarah (ra) approached him about women being mentioned in Qur’an:

Lo! men who surrender unto Allah, and women who surrender,
And men who believe and women who believe,
And men who obey and women who obey,
And men who speak the truth and women who speak the truth,
And men who persevere (in righteousness) and women who persevere,
And men who are humble and women who are humble,
And men who give alms and women who give alms,
And men who fast and women who fast,
And men who guard their modesty and women who guard (their modesty),
And men who remember Allah much and women who remember--
Allah hath prepared for them forgiveness and a vast reward. (Qur’an, 33:35)

I'd be curious to see what's in the "Ten things to hand down to your Muslim son" list.