From the beginning of time women have been unequivocally blessed with the ability to share in the creation of the human race, and have been revered through the tremendous responsibility of carrying life within their wombs. Witnessing how life grows within, and nurturing that life from the time of conception on, presents women with a spiritual experience that intrinsically ties her to the divine. Indeed, it is through motherhood that women are elevated in rank above men in the saying of the prophet (saw):
“A man came to Allah's Apostle and said, "O Allah's Apostle! Who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man said. "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man further said, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man asked for the fourth time, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your father.”
Motherhood in Islam is presented as the ultimate ideal for women, a role so great that makes paradise itself lie at her feet. A picture of perfection is painted for the Muslim woman on the beauty of having, raising, and taking care of children, framed with the unquestionable duty to increase the numbers of our ummah, and signed with the unspoken brushstroke statement: “if you do not become a mother, then you are a failure.”
Perhaps this is how, traditionally, Islamic culture and society have imposed on women the “religious” and human obligation to procreate, earnestly pushing for sisters to conceive right after marriage. Thus, it is not uncommon to have all female relatives and neighbors inquire as to one’s pregnancy status, a week or so after the wedding night. In some cases, the expectations can be so taxing, especially for older sisters whose biological clocks are ticking fast, that conversations on parenthood, parenting, or contraception are usually unheard of amongst the newlywed.
Therefore, it is no surprise, that when women finally figure out the painful, challenging, and outright draining side of motherhood, the choice to have or not have children is no longer theirs. It seems as if in the blink of an eye, many sisters suddenly find themselves with little Ahmad, Fatima, and Yusuf (and baby Maryam on the way), before they can consciously take a step back and analyze what motherhood really entails.
Allah, All-Mighty is He, says in the Qur’an:
“Your wealth and your children are only a trial, whereas Allah! With Him is a great reward.” 64:15
All too often, when confronted with the realities of childbirth and childrearing, and the never-ending sacrifices one must make to meet children’s needs before one’s own, sisters are cornered with the unsupported argument that choosing not to have children is prohibited in Islam. Yet Allah says in the Qur’an we were put on this Earth to worship Him, and His worship can be carried out in various forms. There are several examples throughout Islamic history, where Muslim women and men never married or had children (by fate or choice, Allah knows best), and lived a life of scholarship dedicated to the advancement of Islamic knowledge and propagation of our deen.
No doubt motherhood can earn women an elevated status in Islam, but entering into it without full disclosure of its headaches and heartaches, can sometimes be detrimental to the spiritual growth, and well being of some women, their families, and ergo, of society at large. For some Muslim women, motherhood not only translates into never pursuing an education, a career, or any of her dreams, but it also robs them from the love and companionship of their spouses. This is especially true in Western countries, where the extended family structure is virtually non-existent, and children are solely under the care of the mother and father. For couples who are blessed to experience marriage before children, arrival of too many bundles of joy can unfortunately turn into never-ending babysitting conflicts and parenting disputes, possibly leading to divorce and custody fights.
Furthermore, choosing not to become a mother is in itself an inner battle that has been extensively researched by the modern woman, and timelessly thought about by women for millennia. It is a dilemma over which women agonize, due to its biological limits, and binding implications on femininity and one life’s purpose, as stated in the book by psychoanalyst Jeanne Safer, “Beyond Motherhood: Choosing a life without children.”
Ultimately though, Muslim women should be allowed the freedom to have a life with or without children. They should be given the choice, since it is their life.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
The Professional Muslimah: Dressed for Success?
Listening to the weather forecast on my way to work, I pondered on the challenges the professional Muslimah faces when dressing appropriately for work. Whether it is finding modest clothing that suit her workplace, or finding an outfit that complies with safety requirements for risky jobs, we are often haunted by making the right dress choices that will enable us to get the job done while climbing the corporate ladder.
Thus it is not uncommon to find sisters in black-stripe suits and a matching scarf, or in long-sleeves tunics and slacks. After all, dressing modestly is part of corporate America's dress code. The challenge arises as the temperature rises, when some women trade their professional clothing for revealing, inappropriate outfits. No sooner does the sun shine and temperatures hit the 80's, than some career women switch their pants for mini-skirts, their button-down blouses for v-neck shirts, and their casual shoes for sandals. Business attire double standards are further reinforced when men continue to uphold the dress code while their female counterparts disregard the often unwritten policies on appropriate workplace fashion.
Women for Hire, a leading provider of career advancement services for professional women nationwide, has excellent advice on how women can dress professionally and stay cool. Their site offers classical tips on the Dos and Don'ts of proper business attire. "Avoid ultra-short skirts, low-cut necklines, super-high heels, too-tight clothes, and anything bordering on too sexy". This is common sense to some, and dogma to others, who rather show up to work as if vacationing at Disney World or auditioning for The Bachelor.
Add to the mix the recurring publicity and lawsuit filing by Muslim women who are discrimated against at the workplace, and strict sexual harrassment laws, and you've got yourself an everlasting recipe for frenemies. Thus, when your supervisor bends down to pick up that pen and you are disgusted by her red thong showing, or when your colleague's cleavage is all over her keyboard and sometimes yours, Muslim women are torn between keeping silent or reporting it to HR, for fear of being accused of "jealousy".
Moreover, wearing hijab in the workplace comes with the perception by peers and superiors that our professionalim is skewed by our docility. Not only are we less likely to come across as strong leaders and managers but also less likely to appear dead-set on that promotion we've been striving towards. The lack of sensitivity training to address cultural differences further robs professional Muslim women from their entitled assertiveness, gained through hard work and an impecable work ethic.
In reality, most companies deliverate between establishing a strict dress code or having an unspoken expectation on what is acceptable workplace attire and what isn't. It is only when dress code can affect the business that upper management takes the necessary action to prevent a sexual harasment lawsuit or a dreaded customer's comment on the attire of the firm's employees.
To be continued...
Thus it is not uncommon to find sisters in black-stripe suits and a matching scarf, or in long-sleeves tunics and slacks. After all, dressing modestly is part of corporate America's dress code. The challenge arises as the temperature rises, when some women trade their professional clothing for revealing, inappropriate outfits. No sooner does the sun shine and temperatures hit the 80's, than some career women switch their pants for mini-skirts, their button-down blouses for v-neck shirts, and their casual shoes for sandals. Business attire double standards are further reinforced when men continue to uphold the dress code while their female counterparts disregard the often unwritten policies on appropriate workplace fashion.
Women for Hire, a leading provider of career advancement services for professional women nationwide, has excellent advice on how women can dress professionally and stay cool. Their site offers classical tips on the Dos and Don'ts of proper business attire. "Avoid ultra-short skirts, low-cut necklines, super-high heels, too-tight clothes, and anything bordering on too sexy". This is common sense to some, and dogma to others, who rather show up to work as if vacationing at Disney World or auditioning for The Bachelor.
Add to the mix the recurring publicity and lawsuit filing by Muslim women who are discrimated against at the workplace, and strict sexual harrassment laws, and you've got yourself an everlasting recipe for frenemies. Thus, when your supervisor bends down to pick up that pen and you are disgusted by her red thong showing, or when your colleague's cleavage is all over her keyboard and sometimes yours, Muslim women are torn between keeping silent or reporting it to HR, for fear of being accused of "jealousy".
Moreover, wearing hijab in the workplace comes with the perception by peers and superiors that our professionalim is skewed by our docility. Not only are we less likely to come across as strong leaders and managers but also less likely to appear dead-set on that promotion we've been striving towards. The lack of sensitivity training to address cultural differences further robs professional Muslim women from their entitled assertiveness, gained through hard work and an impecable work ethic.
In reality, most companies deliverate between establishing a strict dress code or having an unspoken expectation on what is acceptable workplace attire and what isn't. It is only when dress code can affect the business that upper management takes the necessary action to prevent a sexual harasment lawsuit or a dreaded customer's comment on the attire of the firm's employees.
To be continued...
Monday, March 8, 2010
Not with(out) my daughter!
Not with(out) my daughter!
Allah, Glorious is He, has elevated Muslim women by giving them rights that allow them to live a creative, balanced life filled with the joys of motherhood and family, an education and a career, financial independence and thriving spirituality, and an unconditional pass for the pursuit of fulfillment in this world and the next. Unfortunately, the reality of many Muslimat is that they are plagued by societal and cultural norms and expectations, and even erroneous religious interpretations, which cripple them into living mediocre, less than gratifying lives. Evolving from the times of our scholarly mother Aisha (ra) or fearless fighter Umm Amarah (ra), being a good, ideal Muslimah in our times has come to equate to knowing how to cook a delicious meal, keep our house spic-span clean, and bear innumerable children, all while memorizing the entire Qur’an and looking like a beauty queen from a Spanish soap opera when the husband comes home from work.
Call me cynical, but after reading an email entitled “Ten things to hand down to your Muslim daughter”, I am disillusioned (outraged, actually) by the limited scope of irreplaceable and enduring life skills I am supposed to equip my young daughter with to make it in this world. Let us take a closer look at some of these “wisdom” tidbits:
Favorite recipes: Those who know of my near-anaphylactic reaction to recipe talks and my motto of “trade your wooden spoons for books”™, understand why I picked this to be at the top of my list. Without reservations, I bow in respect to those sisters who are innate experts of the culinary arts, who love to spend hours amidst aromatic spices to create magical meals that feed their families and the entire community at times. However, Muslim daughters in the West, are nowadays more likely to have dreams and goals to pursue outside the home, for which they will need to compromise a long drawn 4-hour affair with kousa mashi (stuffed zucchini) or gobi machurian for a 30-minute quick meal that is still healthy and savory, that allows her to pick up the children after work, and get them to karate lessons.
Housekeeping skills: Cleanliness is, first and foremost, part of Islam and as such, taught to our “children” (not only our daughters) through upbringing and high standards of personal hygiene. Agreed that keeping “a neat and tidy home” fosters a harmonious, peaceful environment in which all Muslims (and humans) thrive. However, our legacy to our daughters can certainly consist of something more substantial than knowing how to vacuum, do dishes, and dust. It’s not rocket science after all!
Traditional skills (such as gardening, painting or knitting because they are “being lost in today’s fast-paced world”): No doubt that artistic and soulful pastimes such as knitting are being replaced by video games and Facebook. No doubt that knowing how to sew a button or plant a garden can come in handy. My objection is that these “traditional” skills are just that: “traditional”, in the gender-sense of the word. The assuming expectation that our daughters will need these skills while our sons won’t is disturbing. After all, Prophet Muhammad (saw), Allah’s beloved, knew how to (and usually did) mend his own clothes and carry out many household chores.
Personally, I believe our daughters would find greater benefit in life-long lessons that bear an understanding of the generational gap that separate us, and future struggles they might face. Knowing how to cook, clean, and sew are all-important tasks, but so are how to apply for college, use an IPhone, or drive a car. Furthermore, instilling in our daughters the concept of self-actualization, the skills of critical thinking, and the know-how of being assertive can go a long way in building their self-esteem, and making them terrific daughters, mothers, sisters and wives.
Indeed one of the best lessons we can pass down to our daughters, is the ayah where Allah makes no gender distinction, which was revealed to Prophet Muhammad (saw) when Umm Amarah (ra) approached him about women being mentioned in Qur’an:
Lo! men who surrender unto Allah, and women who surrender,
And men who believe and women who believe,
And men who obey and women who obey,
And men who speak the truth and women who speak the truth,
And men who persevere (in righteousness) and women who persevere,
And men who are humble and women who are humble,
And men who give alms and women who give alms,
And men who fast and women who fast,
And men who guard their modesty and women who guard (their modesty),
And men who remember Allah much and women who remember--
Allah hath prepared for them forgiveness and a vast reward. (Qur’an, 33:35)
I'd be curious to see what's in the "Ten things to hand down to your Muslim son" list.
Allah, Glorious is He, has elevated Muslim women by giving them rights that allow them to live a creative, balanced life filled with the joys of motherhood and family, an education and a career, financial independence and thriving spirituality, and an unconditional pass for the pursuit of fulfillment in this world and the next. Unfortunately, the reality of many Muslimat is that they are plagued by societal and cultural norms and expectations, and even erroneous religious interpretations, which cripple them into living mediocre, less than gratifying lives. Evolving from the times of our scholarly mother Aisha (ra) or fearless fighter Umm Amarah (ra), being a good, ideal Muslimah in our times has come to equate to knowing how to cook a delicious meal, keep our house spic-span clean, and bear innumerable children, all while memorizing the entire Qur’an and looking like a beauty queen from a Spanish soap opera when the husband comes home from work.
Call me cynical, but after reading an email entitled “Ten things to hand down to your Muslim daughter”, I am disillusioned (outraged, actually) by the limited scope of irreplaceable and enduring life skills I am supposed to equip my young daughter with to make it in this world. Let us take a closer look at some of these “wisdom” tidbits:
Favorite recipes: Those who know of my near-anaphylactic reaction to recipe talks and my motto of “trade your wooden spoons for books”™, understand why I picked this to be at the top of my list. Without reservations, I bow in respect to those sisters who are innate experts of the culinary arts, who love to spend hours amidst aromatic spices to create magical meals that feed their families and the entire community at times. However, Muslim daughters in the West, are nowadays more likely to have dreams and goals to pursue outside the home, for which they will need to compromise a long drawn 4-hour affair with kousa mashi (stuffed zucchini) or gobi machurian for a 30-minute quick meal that is still healthy and savory, that allows her to pick up the children after work, and get them to karate lessons.
Housekeeping skills: Cleanliness is, first and foremost, part of Islam and as such, taught to our “children” (not only our daughters) through upbringing and high standards of personal hygiene. Agreed that keeping “a neat and tidy home” fosters a harmonious, peaceful environment in which all Muslims (and humans) thrive. However, our legacy to our daughters can certainly consist of something more substantial than knowing how to vacuum, do dishes, and dust. It’s not rocket science after all!
Traditional skills (such as gardening, painting or knitting because they are “being lost in today’s fast-paced world”): No doubt that artistic and soulful pastimes such as knitting are being replaced by video games and Facebook. No doubt that knowing how to sew a button or plant a garden can come in handy. My objection is that these “traditional” skills are just that: “traditional”, in the gender-sense of the word. The assuming expectation that our daughters will need these skills while our sons won’t is disturbing. After all, Prophet Muhammad (saw), Allah’s beloved, knew how to (and usually did) mend his own clothes and carry out many household chores.
Personally, I believe our daughters would find greater benefit in life-long lessons that bear an understanding of the generational gap that separate us, and future struggles they might face. Knowing how to cook, clean, and sew are all-important tasks, but so are how to apply for college, use an IPhone, or drive a car. Furthermore, instilling in our daughters the concept of self-actualization, the skills of critical thinking, and the know-how of being assertive can go a long way in building their self-esteem, and making them terrific daughters, mothers, sisters and wives.
Indeed one of the best lessons we can pass down to our daughters, is the ayah where Allah makes no gender distinction, which was revealed to Prophet Muhammad (saw) when Umm Amarah (ra) approached him about women being mentioned in Qur’an:
Lo! men who surrender unto Allah, and women who surrender,
And men who believe and women who believe,
And men who obey and women who obey,
And men who speak the truth and women who speak the truth,
And men who persevere (in righteousness) and women who persevere,
And men who are humble and women who are humble,
And men who give alms and women who give alms,
And men who fast and women who fast,
And men who guard their modesty and women who guard (their modesty),
And men who remember Allah much and women who remember--
Allah hath prepared for them forgiveness and a vast reward. (Qur’an, 33:35)
I'd be curious to see what's in the "Ten things to hand down to your Muslim son" list.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
