Cult Mentality in Secret, Serial Polygamous Marriages

The Prophet (saw) has stated, "The greatest sin amongst all sins in the eyes of Allah, is of a person, who marries a woman and divorces her once his needs have been fulfilled and also usurps her dowry in the process…" (Al-Hakim and Al-Bayhaqi Ibn Umar)
In the last decade, great efforts have been vested into addressing some of the social evils affecting the Muslim community, but few, if any, have been the attempts to break the silence on secret serial marriages. Unfortunately, there is a growing trend in the community where respectable, well-known brothers who are praised for their Islamic knowledge, character and appearance, marry and divorce sisters in a secret, serial manner. More often than not, these marriages last short of a year, are kept secret from the community, and involve multiple wives in a polygamous marriage. You might ask yourself, how can these secret marriages even take place? Please read on.

First, let us hear from Patty, who met her husband-to-be on a train. As a single mother traveling with a child, she was overcome by the attention and kindness of the Muslim gentleman who approached them while traveling. After exchanging contact information, the man promised to visit at a later date, to talk about Islam and its beauty on the grounds of doing dawah. Shortly after his visit, an intimate relationship developed between Patty and the brother. To make up for “their” wrongdoing, he proposed a secret marriage, to be sustained by infrequent monthly visits and no financial support. Being introduced to Islam through “the back door” was nothing compared to the distorted teachings of Islam that followed. As a new Muslimah, Patty rejoiced in having found Allah and the blessings of this deen, while drowning on the contradictions between Islam, her husband’s teachings, and his actions.

Next, meet Halima, a mother of three and a survivor of an abusive relationship. A highly respected brother from the community assisted her in getting a khula from her abusive husband, through her divulging the most intimate details of the abuse she experienced. Through insistent phone calls to “check on her well-being”, Halima’s vulnerability during her iddah gave way to a proposed secret marriage; secret, for fear of the authorities since she was to be a third wife. She agreed to a one-night a week arrangement to accommodate his regular participation in congregational prayers and active involvement in helping the needy after work hours. The monthly allowance was set to a mere $500 a month, which would be immediately and indefinitely suspended when his Islamic knowledge or actions were questioned, and bring on silent treatment and repeated threats of divorce. Having a practicing Muslim mate who would not physically abuse her was a relief for Halima.

Last, let us hear from Ruqayah, an older sister, whose financial independence and thirst for Islam led her to a secret marriage in which she would be the sole provider. Agreeing to pay for all the family expenses, her husband was free to use his own six-figure income to pay child support and alimony for his children and ex-wife, travel for dawah purposes all over the globe, and help the less fortunate in the community. This, he promised, would pave her way to paradise.

Now think of Patty, Halima, and Ruqayah as co-wives in a polygamous marriage.

The brother, praised for his involvement in the community, charitable acts, and Islamic character, is instead using Islam as a façade to prey on vulnerable sisters who are ignorant of the true teachings of Islam. The sisters who are victims of oppressive marriages like the ones described above, are generally reverts, divorcees with children, who are financially well-off or dependent on public assistance. Without having Muslim relatives to object to, or be suspicious of, the secrecy and oppressive tendencies involved, sisters are left unprotected and alone.

Due to the lack of Islamic knowledge, sisters like Patty, Halima, and Ruqayyah commonly fall into a cult mentality situation with their co-wives, where manipulation and isolation swiftly become the norm. First, Islamic sources are censored, such that sisters only have access to twisted teachings of Islam aligned with the personal agenda of the brother. His imposed restrictions are attributed to the overwhelming amount of corrupted books, websites, and audio lecture made available by the “kuffar”. Ties to the community are often severed, as women’s best place is in the house. Thus, sisters are allowed to leave the house to earn a living, but prohibited from attending the mosque for educational or social events to prevent lewdness in the community, and society at large. After all, the brother uses the hadith of the prophet (saw) about more women being in the hellfire than men to support his theory on their evil nature and tendency to sin .

The brother’s condescending attitude is mistakenly supported by his Allah-given role as the leader and head of the household. To question or challenge the teachings or actions of the “cult leader” are discouraged, by citing ignorance or rebellion, so that critical thinking and rational judgment can be truncated. Oftentimes, co-wives will unknowingly encourage each other into blind following, or take the husband’s side unequivocally against each other to feed his ego and favoritism. The pressure from within and inability of sisters to make a rational decision, leads these women to accept, individually, or as a group, to engage in a variety of un-Islamic behaviors to fulfill their role as wives.

Further, psychological dependency is fostered through subtle intimidation, with the husband continuously diminishing the sisters’ Islamic actions due to their lack of knowledge. Thus, her prayers are never good enough, her understanding of Islam is always faulty, and her actions are never approved of. Being a revert, she cannot possibly know more Islam than him. Low self-esteem and self-worth grow deep roots in these types of marriages, especially for sisters who have been victimized in previous relationships. Recently, a sister confided that she thought it was more likely for her than for her husband to face day to day inconveniences, since he was “closer to Allah” than her.

Since the brother is seemingly an Allah-fearing individual who adheres to all visible Islamic practices, sisters begin to develop an elitist attitude as well, idolizing their “pious” husband, and forming camaraderie with each other as a shield to being “influenced” by other sisters who might notice the brainwashing attitudes taking hold. Co-wives help each other in mitigating their doubts as to the husband’s “religiosity”, by dismissing them as unfounded.

Like with any cult, breaking the silence is a challenging undertaking that must come from within.

As Muslims, we have a responsibility to help the oppressed and oppressor in whatever capacity imaginable. We must begin by admitting this problem exists within our communities, and learning to recognize it. Marriage in Islam is a sacred contract that requires witnesses, and that is to be made public to prevent false accusations and misunderstandings from taking place.

Further, our religious leaders and imams need to take a strong stand against Muslim brothers who violate the sanctity of this contract and who transgress Allah’s commands by marrying and divorcing sisters in a secret serial manner to satisfy their nafs. Classes for reverts must be established in the masajid across America, so that new comers to the deen are correctly taught the basics of worship, and their rights and obligations in marriage. Sisters who don’t have Muslim family members must be appointed a guardian, who clearly understands the responsibility and importance of his role, so he can safeguard her rights, protect her dignity, and be able to fulfill his duty without crossing the boundaries Allah has established for him. Brothers in the community must also be cautious of, knowingly or unknowingly, protecting their fellow brothers who might be committing wrongdoing. The prophet (saw) set a perfect example on this regard, when admonishing a woman companion not to consider a suitor for marriage based on his wife-beating tendencies . Reverts must educate themselves and understand Islam is a perfect way of life that is practiced by imperfect human beings.

Ultimately, Muslims have a responsibility to seek knowledge, worship Allah, and stand for justice, even if it be against themselves or members of their own family, as Allah has stated in the Qur’an .